By Jake Breslauer with permission from Satirical Nonsense


In 2016 we will be electing a new President, which means for the next year, fellow liberals and I will be quoting NPR in a desperate attempt to prove that we’re politically active; But come time after the elections, we will stop pretending to read the paper on our iPad’s and admit that we were playing Candy Crush all along. I’m a lazy liberal atheist with an opinion which can be just as dangerous as a right-winger with a shot gun who’s overprotective of his property. Except instead of shooting you, my weapon of choice is to make you listen to This American Life and discuss the downfall of the Middle Class as we drink craft beer and listen to Wilco.

Despite my lack of knowledge on every issue that the country and the world is currently up against, there is one thing that I think I’m right about, and that is being liberal. Am I saying that everyone is wrong and I’m right? Absolutely not. Am I saying that almost every controversial issue that the right opposes (including marijuana legalization, gay marriage, and abortion rights) is either now legal or strongly supported by a majority of the American population? Perhaps.

I try hard to listen to everyone’s opinion and have an open and honest exchange of ideas, but will become as stubborn as a cat on a computer keyboard when religion is brought into American politics. We live in a great country where we are allowed to believe and practice whatever religion or ideal we feel connected to. Everyone has the right to believe in anything they want, just like I have the right to believe that Cheez-Its can cure depression. It has not been proven that Cheez-Its have in any way the ability to alter someones mood, but my group of my friends and I STRONGLY believe in this ideal and we hold onto to it for dear life, despite the lack of evidence. Sound like a familiar argument? It should, because I’m laying it on pretty thick. So if we can agree to leave God and Nabisco out of the decision-making process for major issues in our country we’d be happier people.

As far as picking our next President goes, I have devised a pretty fair and honest system for myself to choose the candidate I like most; I like to think of them as someone I might potentially date (bear with me on this). Sure, I’m not going to agree with every aspect of life when it comes to someone I’m dating. We’ll disagree on some things, they’ll disappoint me from time to time, and in the end, possibly be completely different then the person that I originally fell for. Then we part ways, I’ll feel a certain level of regret and shame that I let myself fall for that type AGAIN, and then we’ll run into each at Trader Joe’s and try to avoid eye contact by pretending to read the ingredients on the back of a quinoa bag. Am I still talking about politics? Sure, why not.

One thing I can guarantee you is that there are VERY few people I know that will go on a date with someone who will drop racist terms then brag to their friends about it. “He was very charming! Did talk a lot about how Muslims should wear arm bands, kept talking about ‘the blacks,’ and some very disturbing things relating to woman and their menstrual cycles. But other than that he seems like a great person!”

Yes, these are my thoughts and opinions. Do they have any accreditation or facts to back them up? Rarely, so basically I’m FOX News. I write this not as a piece to be taken literally as news source, but from the point of view of someone still figuring out how to form my opinions and have a voice in this crazy world. My feelings of exasperated disbelief with the people I disagree with most in the world are shared by everyone, Republicans and Democrats alike. If there’s one thing that we all have in common, it’s fear. Fear of each other, fear of those in charge, fear of those who want to hurt us. Now, the hippy idealist in me would call for all of us to join hands, realize that our problems are petty compared to those not only in other countries, but in our homeland as well.

In the end, we have only ourselves to blame for our ignorance, our prejudices, and our fears. Now excuse me while I go eat a meatball sub and blame Obama for my Irritable Bowel Syndrome.