3cb52d3119188afac093f405c4d006df Women, whether educated or not, young and old, white, black, brown, yellow, Christian, Catholic, Methodist, Lutheran, Presbyterian, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, Hindu, and Atheist lost their dreams and sense of empowerment watching, waiting, anticipating, believing and then learning that Donald J. Trump was elected to the highest office in the land if not the world.

For me and I assume for most Hillary supporters, not just women, watching the hopscotch taking place across all television channels was slowly becoming agonizing, “white knuckles,” as CBS News correspondent, Norah O’Donnell exclaimed repeatedly. But still, there were all those votes yet counted and those 5 battleground states that we had hoped against our fears would add to the momentum of a growing dissatisfaction, a shared karma that none of us could ever comprehend, not when learned from exit polls and their pollsters, and Frank Luntz, of  the delusional utopian world that cornered those disparate individuals who aired their opinions coated in the same vitriolic sentiments shared over and over throughout this campaign.  Never again will we rely on those individuals who profit from their predictions and run a muck a system that has been badly bruised and now forever mistrusted. Enter Putin and you know what I mean. Is this the American change we desire? Are we secretly being controlled by foreign powers and a president who is vested in KGB tactics?

What I witnessed last evening has stuck to my bones, gone deeper into my psyche and left a hole in my soul. I could argue as all who voted for Hillary will, that the popular vote which she won, truly made her the winner, I could sabotage my feelings of anger and sadness and believe Americans did the right thing… they wanted a change from the Obama administration in which they saw Hillary upholding and representing. They wanted a man. A powerful man. Not a politician but a game changer who, like owners of large sports conglomerates, can throw players and their substantive reputations off the team and out of the game with a flick of a finger. Similar to the same kind of hand raising and finger pointing we endured with that man.

What is that change that Americans so desire? White men, the majority of which used the same kind of finger motions in casting their votes are so desperate for it. They want out of the coal mines and breathe the same locker room ideology as our newly elected president, no doubt. And the educated (white) women in Florida. They dismissed the sexual assaults of that man as if it were a secretive camaraderie that only they knew how to avoid. And how about those “groups” he said were on his side.  The leaders of the Ku Klux Klan and the NRA…. they all pointed fingers for that change. But who were they pointing at? The selective chasm of people who as Hillary said, helped make America strong, are now going to be treated worse then second class citizens. THE WALL that he wants to build will effectively someday do the opposite of what it is intended to do; he will keep Americans prisoners and subject to his irrational, self-centered apprenticeship. He  who knows nothing about governing and whose diplomatic global reach will become his hardware store for all things Donald. That’s the change he wants.

Yes I’m mad! As, “hell hath no fury for a women scorned,” I feel Hillary Clinton, like Joan of Arc was burnt at the stake. No matter how you see it or how history shares this moment in time, Hillary lost the election and it hurts. All of us.

She may have made some “errors,” in the decades of service to this country but she served it. She never lost faith in her ability to make a difference for children, mothers, the elderly, people with disabilities, blacks, whites, gays, hispanic people of all religious faiths… she used her God given gifts to make a difference for all and she did. She didn’t just wave her hands in the air and say, “I’ll fix it,” she did fix many of the problems, some that were beyond her control…. but she served this country and did it well.

The change Hillary made in my life is the emotional tattoo that will never leave my heart. It has opened deeper wounds and it really hurts. Maybe there is something… that just us women feel who vested ourselves in her winning. And just maybe as she said today, hours ago in her concession speech, we need to hear her say again and again. “Never give up!” Never  stop believing that someday a woman will become president of America… and when that day comes, in my opinion, that glass ceiling will always belong to Hillary Rodham Clinton.

As the temperature is rising unusually for this time of year where I live, I can’t help but feel the energy of all the flowers in my garden that are withering under the strain of the heat and lack of rain. I guess that’s the metaphor for how I am feeling today.

I was hoping to wear a white dress and walk into town to share my heartfelt joy with my friends. I wanted to roar like a white lion with pride and share the passion of OUR WIN TOGETHER.

Instead, I vowed that I would continue to mentor as many young women as I can with the hopes, that like the roses in my garden, just one or many more will rise far above the occasion of politics as usual and win.