Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

By Bernadette Bowman, Comedienne and LuxEco Advocate who writes the LIFE GOES RETROGRADE series.

Gosh, I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to write this letter. I was awake all night trying to figure out the best way to do this.

Everyone hates break ups, but, deep down, I’ve known that ours was coming for a few months now. I just was hoping that it wouldn’t really have to happen.

Look, you and I have been in this relationship for nearly two and a half years. When we were introduced, thanks to our mutual friend, I knew that you were different and courageous –  and you proved that to me every time our paths crossed. I was blown away by the new and exciting things you brought into my life, not to mention the new friends you introduced me to when we were together and who are now a part of my life.

And when you helped me realize just how many interests and people we had in common, I was positive that you and I would be committed and devoted to each other for the long run.

You know I loved you. My God, I even introduced you to my parents!! They liked you but never took the time to truly understand you. I kept trying to get them to really see you the way I did, but in hindsight, they just didn’t “get” you the way I hoped they would. But you have to know that they never judged you and were very appreciative of the joy you brought to my life.

The rest of my family loved you, too. And you had such an interest in their needs and feelings and were always been such an enrapt participant about their passions and dreams. You’ve never said “no” to any of their requests for support. This made me happy – to see that you really cared about their feelings and goals. Major points!! (and I’m still not sure how I’m going to tell them about our break up)

I really believed that you cared about my feeling and goals, too. Until I began to realize that you were becoming sort of, well, demanding and even though we shared so many hours and days getting to know each other, it started to feel like I was doing all of the work in our relationship.

What had started out as a trusting and supportive alliance began morphing into paranoid and competitive, not to mention just sometimes downright mean and horribly impatient and judgmental. Eventually, whenever we spent time together I found myself behaving like the antagonist in a Judy Blume novel: a moody, bitchy high school chick. The kind of girl that used to never would be friends with me when I really was in high school. Ick.

I guess that I need my relationships to bring out the best in me and sadly, this is no longer the case in our relationship.  I’m not blaming you; and at the risk of sounding like one of my other passive-aggressive ex-boyfriends, it’s not you, it’s me. And since I’m the one severing our relationship, I will own and explain the reasons for my need to part ways with you.

Maybe I’m just not cut out for having 24/7 accessibility to someone who, in the beginning, appears to require no more than a check-in once or twice a day but gradually demands far too much of my time and energy. As we fell more and more in love with each other, there was this need that surfaced… and I don’t like being needed that much.  I also don’t want to need someone else as much as I find myself needing you, and  even worse, wanting your approval….a lot.  And God forbid I don’t get it! One disapproving comment from you and my day could be ruined. That’s just not healthy.

Also, you ask too many questions.  I don’t like being quizzed. At the beginning of our courtship, it was fun and interesting but now, two years later, I’m finding more and more that I want to tell you less and less. Quite frankly, you have a big mouth and you don’t respect or value my need for some privacy.

I need my privacy. Must be because I’m an Aquarius.

Here’s the thing: I don’t think we bring the best out in each other.  I don’t like who I am when I’m around you and isn’t the point of being in a healthy relationship to bring out the best in the other person and support them in their strengths and not their weaknesses?  I used to think that this was the main energy of our relationship, but as time has gone by, I can see that I will most likely be revisiting my former past time of attending Co-Dependants Anonymous meetings after we part ways just so I can feel okay and serene about my decision of not having to check in with you the first thing every morning and the last thing every night.  I never thought that after providing the funds for several therapists to add new wings to their respective homes, I’d revert to my old habits of putting my relationship with someone else before I tend to my own needs and growth as a healthy, spiritually balanced, and gracious individual.

So, this is it.

Thanks for a truly interesting journey together. We’ve enjoyed many hours of intimacy, romantic evenings in bed gossiping and laughing about the latest dramas in the world, and the eye-rolling and snickering about how lucky we are to not have to be other people … but I honestly think I’ve outgrown our relationship.

I ask that you please allow me to leave our relationship with love. I hope you understand and don’t go all “Glenn Close” on me….I’ve heard that you don’t take the idea of break ups very well (when they’re the other person’s idea)  and that you tend to wear your ex-partners down until they return running and crying back into your open arms.

I also ask that you refrain from contacting me or making me feel guilty for choosing to move on and to allow me the dignity of getting my life back, once and for all.

Maybe when I finally have a job and have fewer hours to fill, I’ll have time for us to catch up over coffee, but until then, I feel positive that this is the best decision for both of us.

And don’t be sad; I know you won’t be lonely – you will have no problem filling the spot I’m leaving.

I wish you nothing but the best.

Goodbye, Facebook.

I’m really gonna miss you.

Maybe.

XXOO

All contents copyright © Life Goes Retrograde by Bernadette Bowman. All rights reserved. No part of this column or the related blogs may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means (electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the author.